Building Rapport – Part 1
Defining rapport can be somewhat elusive, but most people have an experience of really connecting with another person. You just feel in sync with them. Maybe you finish each other sentences or know what they are going to do or say just before or as they are doing it. You can talk and carry on a conversation for hours and the time just flies past. Most people have experienced this at one time or another, but few people are able to generate rapport with everyone, on demand, whenever they want.
What is it that generates this kind of rapport between two people and do you have any choice of it being present, or is it just fated that some people will have rapport with one another and others won't?
First, imagine if you will for a moment, two people in conversation. One person might be passionately talking and gesturing wildly with their hands while the other person is sitting leaned back in their chair with their arms crossed and held tightly with their eyes on the ground. While there are many possible interpretations to give to that description changes are that you are imagining two people who are not being highly responsive to each other.
Contrast that with two people sitting across from each other at a restaurant. Both are leaning forward in their chairs with their elbows on the table and their hands clasped together. While one is listening the other is looking directly at the speaker, and when the turn to talk naturally shifts from one to the other the new listener is just as attentive to the new speaker. One of these people might reach for their water glass and instinctively the other will grab their glass and drink at the same time.
People who are in rapport with each other are responsive to each other and are responding to each other in a way that honors the beliefs and the model of the world of the other.
As another thought experiment, imagine in your mind the stereotypical relationship between a parent and a teen. This often involves the parent nagging, yelling, lecturing the teenager and the teen responding perhaps by arguing or yelling back or perhaps just leaving the situation altogether and storming out. In this case the parent and child are responding to each other, but neither is being respectful of the values, beliefs, or even being of the other person. At some level there are beliefs about the other person, their beliefs, or their behaviors that are not respectful.
It is very possible for people with deep rapport to disagree and argue, however because they are willing to honor the other person, and understand and accept each others models of the world, reaching an understanding can occur much more rapidly. This in no ways implies that two people will always agree, but can when in rapport can find a way to interact productively for each others mutual benefit.
A subsequent series of articles will explore the mechanics of how to build rapport, but let me close this posting with a few of the foundational beliefs/attitudes that if one will adopt, will make to gaining and maintaining rapport with others much easier:
1. People are smart
2. People are well-intentioned
3. Rapport is a completely natural process that occurs by honoring the person you are communicating with.
4. People are all connected at some level (we are all of the same species, from the same creator, part of the same universe). However you want to think about you being interconnected with the rest of the people on the earth.
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